I have decided that I must have some kind of emotional retardation. I think that when I have an argument with some one, like a blow out, not just a disagreement where we both agree to disagree, that there needs to be some kind of resolution to that conflict. So why when I am involved with a conflict of this nature with some one else, is it ok, or so easy for that person to just forget that it happened, and move on past it as if it wasn’t ever there to start with? I NEED resolution!!! I need there to be some kind of an understanding and closure. Is that wrong? Specifically, I am talking about my mother, and issues that have come up with her lately. All my life, I have had to forgive and forget. Get over it, move past it, stop bringing up things that have happened that have hurt me, crushed my spirit, so that I can have a relationship with my mom... as a child, my opinion was given to me. I was told how to feel, how to think, what I was and wasn’t going to do. When, where, how, with who, and never why. And if I questioned it, it was always because mom said so. I am not mad at her any more. I don’t hate her for hurting me. I don’t hold it against her, or even bring it up to her, and I haven’t for many many years. And I won’t ever do that to her. No matter how much she needs to aim her frustrations at me, no matter how much she needs to lash out, I will never bring up how much damage she did to me as a child. But how much of a bulls eye do I need to be? Do I need to keep on taking the shots and looking the other way as if nothing happened? I don’t think so. But if I try to resolve an issue, I am ‘keeping the argument going’ and if I drop an argument and leave it alone for a while, in hopes that we can calm down, and revisit the issue later, I am told that I am bringing up the past, and I can’t let go of things; Even if the ‘past’ was only a couple of days/weeks ago. How to feel resolved here? How to find a peace that will allow me to stop self destructing emotionally...


I think at times there must be a reason all the things I go through are happening. I have decided that it’s got to be GOD that’s bringing these things into my life. I mean, even the bad things are a learning experience to grow from and gain wisdom from... right? Good, bad or indifferent, there’s a reason behind it all. I must say, I have had more good things in my life than bad things. For that I am supremely thankful! I have a family who loves me, and a GOD who trusts me to exist in his world, and carry his word in my heart, and I am happy. I am really happy. I am not as physically healthy as I want to be, but I am working on that too, but happy, yeah, I got that covered. I wonder what GOD is setting me up for with all of the works he is placing in my life. I absolutely love being in church, having a relationship with people that trust me, that I trust, and knowing that when I am hurting, there’s some one to give me a much needed hug. I cry, a lot. I break into tears over everything. I am just so emotional all the time. Not in a bad way, it’s just that for so long I stuffed my emotions, I never allowed myself to cry, or feel, whether it was love, hate, anger, hurt, happiness, contentment, you name it, I didn’t allow myself to go there. I remained numb. It was a comfortable place for me. I was angry a lot, but I learned how to hide that pretty well. People just assumed that I was a mean person, and left me alone for the most part. I liked it like that. But in my growing up years, fear of getting slapped around if I said or did the wrong thing at the wrong time taught me how to stuff that anger. It’d show up at inappropriate times, in situations that I knew I could control, such as a fight at school, or what ever. Thankfully, GOD brought me out of that mess. He put people in my life that I love, that love me. My kids for starters... I am not a perfect parent, not by a long shot. But I am a good mom. I am there for my kids when they need me, I listen well, and I take the time to let them vent when they need to. Even if it isn’t my fight, I take their angry outbursts and let them work it out in their own minds. Because I was never allowed to do that as a child. Because I never trusted my mother enough to go to her and tell her what a crap day I had, or if I screwed something up. Heaven help me if I ever told my mother that I skipped a class or kissed a boy... I was always confronted, always accused. Always poked and needled until I blew up or hid it so well that no one knew anything was wrong. I am so grateful that I don’t have to deal with that any more. Growing up in an abusive home was hard. My mother loved me the best way she knew how, and I give her credit for raising us, and I understand that she grew up not knowing a better way. Some people have experiences in their early lives and use those experiences later on.  Even if they don't intentionally do it, some of those issues are mirrored in a pretty hurtful way towards those that rely on a parent to be stable and loving. I really do understand that.  It doesn't mean I like it, and I am still working on forgiving it, but that doesn't make it right. Not really...

That whole using bad behavior as an excuse once you become an adult, ‘look what happened to me, I have an excuse for my behavior, I had a bad childhood.’ BULL! I had a bad childhood too, and let me tell you what, we ALL have choices to make. We can take what happened to us and use it to try to justify poor choices later on in life, or we can take what happened to us and learn what NOT to do as an adult. I choose the latter. I CHOOSE to make my world a better place and my children’s world a safer place.


But what I really need to know is this: Is it a grudge when I need resolution to a conflict? I guess that’s a form of a grudge, isn’t it? I expect some kind of ending to an argument, and in doing so I am holding that other person to some level of expectation. I guess if I stop expecting people to think like me, then I can’t be disappointed when they do what ever it is that they choose? I don’t know. I am open for suggestions. I can’t keep on allowing my own family to treat me like I am crazy for standing my ground and expecting resolutions for conflicts when they happen. But in expecting a resolution, I am harboring that animosity. I make a conscious choice to not hold a grudge against people who have done me wrong, but it’s hard to not want that resolution.

Time Flies

Things are just a blur lately... Time is going by so fast, it seems like yesterday that Iwas talking to the kids about starting school.  And this morning was the first of October. 

I have been working towards this one specific goal for a long time... I mean, a LONG time. Like years. And now I am working at a company that supports this goal, and will allow me to finalize my dream, as long as I jump through the right hoops to get there.  More than willing to do that of course... So, why when it seems like things are going so well, am I getting this uncontrollable urge to self destruct, and run screaming from success?? I think I am scared that something is going to go wrong at the last minute and stop from me getting this done. I really want this to go well, I pray constantly about it, and I know if it's God's will, it is going to be a success.  But I need to get over this "I am not worthy" attitude, and start allowing the good things that are happening in my life to happen, and be happy that I am accomplishing my goals. I just pray that God gives me the guidance to handle this, be happy that I am finally going to get there, and help me feel more worthy. That's my prayer, GOD, HELP ME FEEL WORTHY OF YOUR BLESSINGS...

so life...

Random thought, define a life worth living? What is it? Who has one? How did that determination come to be an acceptable level of worth in society? Who/what determines what is worth living for? Fighting for? Dying for? 


  I am a mom, and I am a realist.  I work hard to live my life in a way that my kids can be proud of.  I may say things that don't always portray me in the best light, and do things that I'd rather not share with the world, but above any and everything, I love my kids.  I work hard to provide a life for them. it isn't the best life, it hasn't been the easiest life, but it is our life.  And we are happy in it.  As of today, August 7th, 2010, my 3 girls are 20, 17, and 10.  I have a grandson who will be 2 in January.  My oldest daughter and her son share a birthday, she will be 21, he 2 on their next birthday together.

  Being a realist has been one of the most eye opening, choices I have ever made.  To me, being a realist doesn't mean that I am one of those in your face kind of people, but I definitely can tell you my opinion if asked.  If you don't want to know, don't ask. I may not offer my opinion, but I won't lie to you if you have enough balls to ask.

  It's funny some times how many random things go through my mind.  Like what time does preseason football start, (august 8th, 2010, if anyone wants to know) and why do people who claim to have your best interests at heart do things that are rude, unacceptable and down right nasty at times?  I have a mile long list of those. but I also have random thoughts on the general goodness of people and how I have tried to emulate their behaviors and it's been helping me along the way. 

  One person in particular that I truly enjoy watching is my 17 year old daughter.  She is like this little flower, a couple of years ago, she was so fragile, almost broken...  Couldn't bloom, always in the shadows, struggling and fighting to become the amazingly wondrous rose that I know she is now.  I love that little girl.  I love that amazing young woman, and I love what she is determined to become in her life-a God fearing, God loving lady of Christ.  She is well on her way.  I could probably learn things, from her 17 year old thought processes to my 41 year old still trying to find myself brain, that most people never learn or care to learn in their entire lives.

  Other people that I learn from are my sisters, my dad, my mom, my brother.  Some of the things that I learn from them aren't what TO DO in life, but maybe what NOT TO DO in life.  For example, my mom. I love my mother dearly.  I am grateful that she is living and breathing.  I am grateful that I have the opportunity to call her up and give her hell if I should so choose, or tell her that I love her.  She has been the up and down of my life.  The steady, constant, always there when I need her kind of mom.  She has also been the iron fist, the wrath, a true ball of anger and grudge holding like I have never seen! Yeah, I haven't always been a beacon of light towards her, but you go with what you know when you are a child, and that is a story for another time.  I have become a better adult because of the trials I have faced with my mother.  I have become my own person through determining what I will and what I won't tolerate from people around me, including myself and my own behaviors. 
 
The point of this blog is truly simple, where I am now, where I've been, and learning who I am along that long, treacherous, some times emotionally wrecked... road.